Tag Archive: love


Anywhere but queer

If being gay was a choice, knowing what you know now, would you choose to be gay?

This was a question put to me by my girlfriend. We had just been talking about how I’m absolutely the biggest lesbian she’s ever met because I bought tickets to see Uh Huh Her and was dragging her along with me (she loved it).

I didn’t even have to think about my answer. No. Hell no. I would never in a million years have chosen this life for myself.

I could have done two things when I realised I was gay, I could have suppressed my feelings and ultimately ended up depressed or suicidal, which is a road too many people go down, or I could be the gayest person on the planet.

I chose the second one. I surrounded myself with lesbian pop culture. I bought all the music and box sets and surrounded myself with things that might make me look normal.

The L Word became my safety blanket, when I felt that I wasn’t normal I would put in one of the DVDs and watch my feelings normalised on screen. Girls would hold hands with each other, and a hell of a lot more on that show, and I would feel like it was ok to be gay.

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My music taste and bookshelf quickly reflected what I was trying to see in the world around me. I had to hear girls singing about girls, I had to devour pages filled with descriptions of my own feelings. I had to feel ok.

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As my girlfriend told me, I’m pretty damn gay owning all that.

I’m happy with the life I have right now. I love my girlfriend, my family are so supportive of who I am. My mum got angry at a homophobic blog! But I still wouldn’t choose this, maybe one day things will get better. I know they are better for me now than they were for the younger me that first picked up that L Word box set but it isn’t good enough yet. I still encounter homophobia on a daily basis, I can’t marry the girl I love, I’m still made to feel like I’m not normal by the world.

I campaign for LGBT rights because I have to see things get better so that maybe one day coming to terms with your sexuality won’t be an issue for teenagers because they will be accepted as normal straight away.

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As a young girl who was beginning to discover the power of books The Famous Five were a godsend. Even if they were so outdated for my generation. Julian, Dick, Anne, George and Timmy became my friends. I wanted to adventure alongside them, to discover gold on islands and outwit the bad guys. I wanted to travel back to innocent times when life was all about picnics and ginger beer.

The books changed my life, particularly Five on a Treasure Island because they made me think that if I went to boarding school this would be what my summer holidays would be, they made me want to devour books and most importantly… They introduced me to my first love, George.

As a young girl I wanted to be George, she was amazing, she would cut her hair and pretend to be a boy and take no prisoners. She was fun, bossy and always had her way. I wanted George to be my best friend, I wanted to be with her all the time, little did my tiny child heart know but I was falling in love for the very first time. A love that would change my life and I will carry with me forever (although if my girlfriend asks I am totally over it). The 1996 tv series also compelled my love even further and I have to admit, looking at the actress who played George now, Jemima Rooper, I had pretty damn good taste at such a young age. Rooper has aged REALLY well.

While the books are outdated and have not aged well they were the basis of my childhood and part of the reason why I still love to read now.

Time well spent

When I’m not working or at college I do find myself with a ridiculous amount of free time. I know that in reality my time should be spent doing things like this.

This is the finished product for my desktop publishing unit at college. I’m quite proud of it because I didn’t go to many of the classes and still managed to pass. I think it looks quite professional (if I do say so myself!) and it definetely helped me learn my way round InDesign.

However, I tend to spend too much of my time doing things like this.

This would be from a very thrilling time in my life where I spent a day watching Disney films and tying the contents of a packet of strawberry laces together.

When there happens to be a lack of strawberry laces in my life I tend to resort to amusing myself in one of two ways.

Watching one of the many DVDs I own… of which I wish I had many more.

Or reading. I love to read. I will read almost anything. I even managed to make it through all four Twilight books even though I often wanted to throw them out the window!

I also spend some of my time drawing. I used to draw a lot more when I was a teenager but I do still like to dabble from time to time. I will draw pretty much anything but have been trying some Anime-style people lately as a new challenge.

And when all else fails I guess I could spend some time with that lovely girlfriend of mine!

This is my wonderful girlfriend when we were in Paris. And she does take up all of the remainder of my spare time.

Sometimes I feel I need to do something more productive with my spare time but then I realise that I spend my spare time doing things that I enjoy and with people I enjoy spending time with. Definetly time well spent.

I was genuinely thrilled when I met an absolutely stunning girl in the most unlikely of places. A gay bar. I was even more thrilled when this girl liked me. And things got even better when I realised that for the first time I was dating a girl who devoured books like they were necessary to live like I did.

Browsing through the freshly pressed blogs I came across someone who planned to do some summer reading and as Rhianna was reading over my shoulder and gasped at the brilliance that this blogger had a reading club with her partner we decided we had to do the same.

We hurriedly emptied the books onto the bed and talked over which ones we had read and which ones we wanted to read. We have a joint list and a list each. They are very ambitious lists but we will get through them, even if it means our booktastic summer of fun turns into a booktastic year of fun!

Rhianna’s list

The Sacred Art of Stealing – Christopher Brookmyre
The Ingenious Edgar Jones – Elizabeth Gardner
Grave Secrets – Kathy Reichs
The Game – Neil Strauss
The Night Watch – Sarah Waters

My list

Lost Souls – Poppy Z Brite
All Fun And Games Until Somebody Loses An Eye – Christopher Brookmyre
A Gathering Light – Jennifer Donnelly
Charlotte Gray – Sebastian Faulks
One Of Our Thursdays Is Missing – Jasper Fforde
Shades Of Grey – Jasper Fforde
Devil Bones – Kathy Reichs
Interview With A Vampire – Anne Rice

Joint List

The Magician’s Guild – Trudi Canavan
The Rotter’s Club – Jonathan Coe
The Hippopotamus – Stephen Fry
When They Lay Bare – Andrew Greig
The Broker – John Grisham
The Court Of The Air – Stephen Hunt
The Football Factory – John King
My Beautiful Laundrette – Hanif Kureishu
The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo – Steig Larsson
A Short History Of Tractors In Ukraine – Marina Lewycka
Brothers – Ted Van Lieshout
Broken Angels – Richard Montanari
The Time Traveller’s Wife – Audrey Niffenegger
Pygmy – Chuck Palahniuk
Burton on Burton – Mark Salisbury
Them – Fay Sampson
Girl Meets Boy – Ali Smith
A Series Of Unfortunate Events (all) – Lemony Snicket
Dracula The Un-Dead – Dacre Stoker
Tipping The Velvet – Sarah Waters
We – Yevgeny Zamyatin
The Book Thief – Markus Zusak